


you are nowhere

by dholxv



Category: Life Is Strange (Video Game), Life Is Strange 2
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Sean Diaz-Centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-10
Updated: 2019-06-10
Packaged: 2020-04-05 07:29:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19043941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dholxv/pseuds/dholxv
Summary: He can’t stay in the past but moving forward affords strength Sean pretends to have but doesn’t own. He wants to grieve, to scream in frustration and rage. He wants to rip his chest open because the loss of everything, the loss of his home, his dad, his best friend and his past self – It’s too much.He had been doing well, running and ignoring, distracting himself and focusing on Daniel. He had managed. It’s different, now. There is no Daniel next to him, he is alone.





	you are nowhere

**Author's Note:**

> shout out to my wife @chaotic_guacamole who has little knowlegde about the game and still took the time to look over this mess, ily ( •⌄• ू )✧

Sean was tired.

He was drifting off, his head ached and pain seemed to cling onto his body, his eye, making everything much more _foggy_ and heavy. He couldn’t shake it off. He wasn’t just tired, no, he was afraid and everything felt like too much but his body didn’t react the way he desperately wanted it to. _Fuck, Daniel. Where are you, man?_

He tried to sleep for a few hours now but in the darkness of the tent his mind just wouldn’t stop thinking about the last few days, the heist and how Daniel just disappeared, god knows where. He broke so many promises, to his dad, to Daniel, to the people he cared about and the guilt and the fear about the unknown condition of his brother filled his stomach with heavy anxiety, and he couldn’t _breathe_. 

He built his life around his brother – he hadn’t known what would happen after he picked Daniel up and ran away from his home, from his past life, from his dad’s dead body but somewhere, in the back of his mind filled with adrenaline and fear, he had realized that running away was it. It was the decision he made and keeping Daniel safe was always his top priority. Protecting him, looking after him – it was a sense of stability, a certainty in his life.

And now he was gone. He would have laughed about how ironic the situation was, Daniel running away after all the times he stormed in and out, using his powers, confronting _directly_ while Sean worried about the consequences, worried about getting caught and putting his brother in danger and chose to run away. It was one of their rules and Daniel had actually listened.

He missed him, his laughter, the howling, teasing him and getting teased. Hell, he missed ruffling through his little brother’s hair and hearing his whiny voice.

“Fuck, man,” he whispered in the quiet of his tent. He remembers how his eye was throbbing and his hands were shaking. He can’t remember traveling back to the camp, but he remembers waking up, being hit with dread and pain. He had whimpered as the light had hit his eye, the sun usually giving his tent a warm glow but it was too bright, too much at that moment.

It was overwhelming. Waking up and seeing the world in a different way was still off-putting and disorienting. He felt the fear clogging up his throat, trying to adjust and the memories about Daniel getting shot flashed through his eyes and _oh god, fuck, fuck_ . “Daniel,” he rasped out, the panic settling over his body, and he sat up too fast, nausea hitting him out of nowhere and _fuck, fuck, shi—_ “Fuck, Finn,” he stuttered out, his voice scratchy and too rough. He couldn’t see, not the way it used to be. Cold sweat made him shiver, and he felt too weak, his hands pressing against his head.

He had opened his mouth, trying to clear his throat but the opening of his tent was ripped apart before he could move. He heard familiar voices near his tent and relief filled him because they must be safe. “Fuck, hey, Sean. It’s okay. It’s gonna be alright, sweetheart, I’m here. You’re okay, we’re okay,” and hearing Finn’s voice, feeling the familiar hands slide over his body made the panic at the pit of his stomach settle slightly.

The moment passed as soon as the beating of his heart slowed down.

“Daniel,” he croaked out, grasping onto Finn’s Shirt tightly. He still had hope because imagining Daniel actually running away did not cross his mind at this point. He had to know, to be sure that Daniel was safe, here with them (with _him_ ). He got shot, for _fucks sake_.

Thinking back, it made his heart clench. It also did when he realized how Finn tightened his arms around his torso, sliding his hands down to his waist, and he finally got a glimpse of his face ( _he is safe, he is here, with me_ ) but Finn wasn’t looking back.

He was avoiding his gaze. “I- We tried to find him, we went back and searched the surroundings, I swear, Sean, we tried, but he wasn’t there when we woke up. I’m, fuck, this is my fault,” he explained quietly, the guilt settling over his forehead, his brows furrowed. It knocked the breath out of him, the realization that Daniel wasn’t with them that his little brother had run off and was somewhere, _anywhere_ , alone and without any kind of protection. (“ _It’ll be fine, Daniel. There’s nothing we can’t do…as long as we’re together_.”)

He didn’t remember a lot from that day, he knows they went to a hospital at some point, he swallowed some kind of pain meds and Cassidy sitting next to him in silence. They both went after Daniel and Finn that night and the absence of his little brother felt off and wrong. Talking with the others was hard, too much, combined with his constant headache and the pain from his eye. The usually comforting feeling of the group suffocated him.

How funny it was that the one person he wanted around was keeping his distance. Finn had held his hand, rubbing his thumb over the back of his hand in comforting circles when they visited the hospital and that was nice. Finn’s presence was always comforting. They haven’t talked, though. 

It has been like this since the visit to the hospital.

Sean understands the need for space, to process and deal with all of the crap they experience and find a way to cope, but he misses Finn. He remembers watching the sunset with him, listening to him talk, the flirting and god, he was so fucked up. His brother ran away, and he couldn’t stop thinking about some guy. 

But Finn wasn’t just _some_ guy – hell, he was the sweetest guy he’d ever met and being around him made him feel safer. He liked that Finn owned a copy of “Lord of the Flies”, how he trusted him with his past and used nicknames on him. Being called sweetheart or honey was _nice._ (He was not the first guy Sean had wanted to kiss. There was this guy in his art class in middle school that made his hand sweaty and his stomach flutter.)

(He used to ignore it, and he really hadn’t thought about it that much until Finn started to flirt with him and made him feel _seen_ , wanted.) Daniel liked him, too. ( _Maybe a bit too much._ )

He wanted him.

Despite everything, he still wanted him and never stopped _wanting_ him and doesn’t that make him a really shitty older brother? ‘Cause he remembers their conversations about the heist, about using Daniel as a tool to get the money from the safe, and he told Finn that he couldn’t let Daniel do this. He couldn’t put his little brother in the path of danger when he desperately tried to get him away from it in the first place.

(He tried, he did. Keeping Daniel away from danger was always hard and exhausting and there were ugly, nasty thoughts filling his head at night how maybe it wasn’t the fault of the dangerous situations they had encountered on their journey but _Daniel’s_ fault for running right into them. Then, he remembers how young Daniel is – nine years old and ( ~~traumatized~~ ) reckless and he is such a shitty older brother, fuck, fuck, fuck. Daniel had watched their dad die in front of them, he had been lied to by Sean and of course he would try and gain his independence. He has seen things kids in his age should have never encountered. The guilt consumes him, threatening to swallow him and he can’t breathe–)

Finn seemed to understand it, he seemed okay with it and why couldn’t he left it at that– 

(“Swear, he acts just like me. That’s how I know he’s smart.”) That’s why.

_He put Daniel in danger_ , the tiny, ugly voice in his mind whispered, clawing at the back of his head and leaving bloody, messy thoughts in its wake. _He used him, he used you, manipulated you into believing him when he said, he would understand and look at you now. All alone. Broken promises, lost an eye and no idea where Daniel ran to. It’s his fault._

Sean hates himself for indulging in the voice, letting it sweep into the loose corners of his frayed mind because it’s easier to push the blame on Finn’s action rather than own the fact that he was the one at fault. He was the one who was supposed to take care of Daniel, to remove him from dangerous situations, and he had failed. The distance had crept between them and it had took him by surprise, the jealousy and guilt he had felt when he saw Daniel wear the bandanna rather than the clock he gifted him, following Finn around. He feels stupid now.

He hadn’t felt like this when Daniel met Chris and their friendship evolved. He knew Daniel must have felt suffocated by his reminders of their rules and how he must have felt comfortable in the presence of someone else than Sean. Having his older brother loom over him made Daniel feel _young_ and _powerless_ when he was anything but. It was good that Daniel felt comfortable around other people. Daniel being happy and safe was his top priority. – Observing how he idolized another person stung, even more when he realized how cool and amazing Finn was. Sean felt like an insecure dick.

Maybe Finn wasn’t a good influence on Daniel. He seemed to forget that Daniel was only nine when his younger brother talked him into the plan and that’s what made the difference between them.

Sean was Daniel’s older brother, his protector, hell; he had to act more like a parent than the annoyed teen he used to be. And it sucked. Not the fact that Daniel was safe and well but how he couldn’t act as a brother figure anymore. Not the way it used to be, at least.

He couldn’t let Daniel wander off while he played video games in his room or hung out with his friends. He had to make sure that they had enough food and water to get by, a shelter to keep warm during the cold nights and making sure that they stayed alive the last few months. It was a blurry line, the way he had teased Daniel, how he had let their banter wash over him and had to act like a parent the next minute.

He didn’t regret picking Daniel up and running away that day because his brother was safe ( _they were safe_ ) and he loves him. He regrets a lot of things, not calling Lyla, putting Claire and Stephen in danger and other things that might follow him in his nightmares but keeping Daniel safe was a decision he would make over and over again.

And now he is gone.  And it was his fault as much as it was Finn’s and probably even more than that. He wants to forgive Finn, but he isn’t sure how to forgive himself yet and somehow both aspects are connected, intertwined and he wants to kiss him, to taste the cheap beer off his lips, but he can’t.

He can’t allow himself to want even though he misses sitting next to Finn and hearing his voice. He has to leave tomorrow, say goodbye to the group and search for Daniel without getting caught.  

Sean is tired and he can’t sleep. He stands up, shakes the sleepiness from his bones and throws his hoodie on.

When he leaves his tent in the bright of the morning, the throbbing of his eye a constant reminder of the last few days, he doesn’t expect someone to sit at the breakfast table. His heart still beats too fast when he recognizes a brown mob of hair, hands wrapped around a mug and a book in the other and it’s a familiar sight. Maybe that’s why it stings so much at that moment.

He shuffles forward, feeling awkward and off standing around his tent, and he is sure Finn must have recognized him when he turns around and grabs a mug, filling it with coffee.

_You make me smile,_ he thinks quietly when neither of them open their mouths to speak. _I think I fell in love with you, just a tiny bit. I like your hands, the three triangles under your eye, the little scar on the bridge of your nose. You are the sweetest guy I’ve ever met and I wish you had a peaceful childhood. Your brothers taking care of you. I wish your dad loved you guys a tiny bit more, I wish we met in high school. I wouldn’t have the courage to talk to you at first but Daniel would have still loved you. My dad probably not that much, but maybe we would have made it work._

Sean doesn’t say anything of this sort, but he slides into the bench in front of Finn and stretches his legs. “Hey,” he mumbles, feeling terribly shy but not uncomfortable. Making eye contact would kill him right now, though.

He is glad to talk to Finn before packing his things and leaving in a few hours, having a few minutes of shared silence and being in his presence. While he appreciates not having to talk to feel close to Finn, he has to speak. Finn beats him to it, though.

“Hey, sweetie, rough night?” he drawls quietly, voice still rough around the edges. It sends a warm thrill down Sean’s back.

_I want you to come with me._

He is hit by that thought out of nowhere and it’s stupid. Finn has his own kind of family, he can’t leave them behind. Like he can’t stop wanting to watch out for Daniel, to search for his little brother.

“Yeah,” he mumbles, his eyes trained on his mug, but he breathes. Breathes in and out and looks into Finn’s eyes only to realize how he is avoiding looking into Sean’s eyes, too. “It’s going to be weird leaving this behind,” he gestures towards the other tents, the camping field. He wasn’t lying, he felt comfortable around them, Cassidy and Hannah having their fights, sitting on the breakfast table with Penny and Ingrid, talking with Jacob about their little siblings.

“Missing little ol’ me, already?” Finn asks, a grin on his face but it seemed a bit softer around the edges. He still isn’t looking at Sean. It frustrates him because he needs something more from Finn before they part their ways, before Sean can concentrate on finding Daniel. Maybe he made things up in his mind, interpreted the flirty tone of Finn’s voice as something that wasn’t really there in the first place.

Finn could have flirted with him for the thrill, maybe because he was bore. Flirting seemed to come to him naturally. Maybe he wasn’t as attracted to Sean as he used to be. He could understand it – his eye patch wasn’t exactly pretty.

Still, Sean can’t help but want it to mean something so badly, but he isn’t sure how to approach the topic. The air feels heavy, and he shrugs, trying to come off as casual and nonchalant, but he is nervous.

_I wish we could have had a little more time together._  

“Yeah, I..,” he bites his lip, unsure on how to steer the conversation towards the topic he wants to talk about. It’s the _Finn Effect._ Everything about him makes Sean feel like a little girl with a crush. Everything feels much more intensified.

He likes to think about parallel universes, about the possibilities that could have happened in a different universe. A universe where his dad was still alive, the bully never had teased and attacked Daniel and the police officer hadn’t pulled a fucking gun out.

It aches, thinking about everything that could have been. His life before the journey to Puerto Lobos seems so far away now. He cut off ties with Lyla, threw his phone away, he changed. Letting go is a motherfucker, though.

He can’t stay in the past but moving forward affords strength Sean pretends to have but doesn’t own. He wants to grieve, to scream in frustration and rage. He wants to rip his chest open because the loss of everything, the loss of his home, his dad, his best friend and his past self – It’s too much.

He had been doing well, running and ignoring, distracting himself and focusing on Daniel, on protecting him and being a good role model. He had managed.

It’s different, now. There is no Daniel next to him, he is alone.

“It’s not your fault, Finn,” he starts, ripping himself from his thoughts. Silence.

Sean wraps his hands around his mug, gaze trained on the patterns of the table cloth. Finn is letting him speak, he realizes. Or he isn’t sure on how to reply. Both were realistic responses and Sean wishes he was just a tad smoother like Finn was. He wouldn’t have turned playful banter into this awkward mess he was stuck in right now.

“I mean, I remember you saying it was your fault when I first woke up. But it’s not. I should have looked better after Daniel, fuck, I should have given him more space and be a better brother,” he explains quietly.

“I still wish you hadn’t followed through with the plan and listened to me.”, he continues after a moment of silence. He grins and it’s bitter and sad around the corners of his mouth. “But that is Daniel. He has always been good at convincing others, it’s the puppy eyes, I swe-“

“Fuck, Sean,” Finn interrupts and he feels his cheeks flush in embarrassment. He sure was fucking this conversation up by the way Finn was reacting. _God, you made this so awkward, you loser._

“You are such a good big bro’, Sean,” and wow, okay. He wasn’t sure what kind of reaction he had envisioned in his head, hell; he hadn’t actually thought this far. It still sends his body warm tingles, hearing the compliment.

Being praised and appreciated by Finn makes him feel flushed and happy. It had been a while since people have been looking at him, like really looking at him and went “You are doing a great job, Sean.” Finn had this sincere look on his face whenever he teased him and threw compliments at him. It makes Sean warm whenever he notices it and it still hasn’t changed.

Finn is looking him in the eye, the same genuine, sincere emotions and even though the teasing lint wasn’t present, and he could see how uncomfortable this talk was for Finn – Someone who was ready to open up and talk about his past, who was so direct and teasing and vulnerable at times and who made him laugh out loud – Sean wants to drown.

“I care about you and Daniel. I know, I messed this whole thing up and put you in danger and Daniel is god knows where and fuck, man,” he rubs his hand over his face and a humorless grin peaks from behind his hands. “I was so far in over my head, you know?” Sean knew that feeling too well.

“I wanted you guys to stay with us but I sure fucked it up, huh?” he chuckles, his gaze focusing on something behind Sean’s head and fuck, it shouldn’t make him so happy, hearing Finn’s words. _I want that too, so badly. I want to hold your hand and make out with you in the morning and draw you while you are reading. I want to hear more of Cassidy singing and having Hannah and Penny around. I want Daniel to follow you around and you both teasing me and to be happy as well. I want so much but I’m never lucky._

It’s hard to put his thoughts out in the open, though. He can’t be the kind of brave Finn is, but he can be his own kind of brave, too. So he takes a deep breath and stands up, sliding into the bench next to this guy, who made him smile and laugh and flush and Sean can’t have this, but he wants and wants and wants.

He focuses on looking Finn in the eye, who was staring right back at him, a little more alert and hesitant than he was a few minutes ago and _okay, take it easy, Sean._  “You are the sweetest guy I’ve ever met,” he bites his lip, averting his gaze from Finn.

He thinks back to how ready Finn was to include Daniel and him into the group, how he was the one who got them their jobs and made sure they were safe and protected. “I think, Daniel would have liked it here, with you guys, I mean. _I_ would have liked it here.”

It still fills him with warm bitterness because there might be a Sean and a Finn ready to take on this world together, with Daniel right next to them. An alternative universe where they might travel together, just a bit more time to be around each other.

There is hope, though. It still flutters in his stomach because it does feels freeing to think about them, together. Somewhere, where everything would have clicked into place.

But he has to let go of these fantasies because that’s all they are. Just scenarios he imagined when he couldn’t shake off the exhaustion from his bones. Thinking about a Sean and a Daniel who are happy is easier than existing in this universe sometimes.

( _He can’t let go. He can’t let Karen go even though he tries so hard not to think about her, same with his dad and Broody and Claire and Stephen. They mean so much to him, to their journey but he wants to put it behind him. Thinking about them hurts on good and bad days._ )

“Fuck, little Sean, you got game, that sure was smooth,” Finn laughs but it feels stilted, off and Sean’s gaze shifts, flickering from Finn’s face to the picnic table, uncertain and embarrassed about his reaction, about the way he let himself be so openly vulnerable because shit, fuck, he is so stupid—

It takes him a second to notice the flush of Finn’s ears and his jittery hands, fiddling with his numerous rings, and he can’t hide his relief and the calmness taking over.

No one can blame him for leaning forward, inching closer and holding his breath, watching for a sign of Finn pushing him away, making a joke and turning away.

Nothing of this sort ends up happening, but he feels Finn tense up and relax after a moment.

“You are killing me right now, sweetie, you know,” Finn speaks softly and wow, okay, his low voice is definitely doing something to Sean because he cannot stop staring at Finn’s lips.

Up this close, he can look at the scar on the bridge of his nose, the tattoos adoring his face and without overthinking it even more, he reaches up and touches them. He stops, waiting for a sign that Finn might pull away.

Finn does not pull away.

He feels Finn exhale, but he can’t stop observing all the little details of his face. He will look back to this moment, he is certain.

When the loss will once again hit him, the numbness settling over him, when he might not find Daniel – He will at least have this. Another memory to cling to at night.

His hands linger on the three triangles under his eye, his eyebrows and his jaw and Sean looks up to him from under his eyelashes and Finn is looking back at him, shifting his gaze between his eyes, his lips, and he lays a hand on his knee and it feels familiar, soothing.

Finn’s other hand moves towards Sean’s back, sliding down to his waist and it feels a little too much and too little, at the same time.

He runs his thumb over Finn’s lip and his voice is too quiet, a hoarse whisper. “Kiss me.”

He licks his lips, he can Finn’s eye follow the movement and he can’t stop the soft _please_ coming from his mouth.

It’s a soft kiss. Finn tilts up his face and their lips meet. His lips are chapped under Sean’s but it’s a comforting feeling. Nothing about Finn screams soft or smooth. His hands are rough and framed with scars and tattoos, the calluses on his fingertips on Sean’s cheek. The press of his lips against Sean’s makes no difference.  

It’s a stark contrast between the grins and smirks that softened whenever Daniel got excited, when the group was chilling and hanging out around the campfire. It’s the genuine amazement when Daniel was showing off with his powers and the warmth in his eyes when he compliments Sean that make Finn so unfairly attractive.

Sean isn’t sure what he expected, how his first kiss would go but after the tension between Finn and him and the goodbye’s waiting around the corner, he had thought it would be more desperate, sadder.

_He tastes likes weed_ , Sean realizes absently.

There is a slight disorientation and for a moment he isn’t sure where he should put his other hand before it settles on Finn’s neck, pulling him forward and Sean needs to be closer, needs to feel the pressure of Finn’s hand on his knee, his hand sliding from his face to squeezing his waist and pressing their foreheads together. ( _Sean wants to consume him._ )

Finn drags his face closer and bites down on Sean’s lip but it’s not rushed. His tongue runs over Sean’s lips and his own lips parts, and he _melts_.

Finn takes his time to explore and the realization makes Sean dizzy. He sighs into Finn’s mouth and the kiss deepens and he grips onto his T-Shirt and god.

It’s a soft, long kiss. That kind of kisses that makes your toes curl and makes you feel flushed, calm and _happy_.

They part and Sean needs to collect himself for a moment, eyes still closed.

“I’m glad we met, Sean.”

Their faces are still very close, and he can feel Finn’s breathe fawn over his cheek. His hand rubs soothing circles on his waist, keeping him steady. “I feel like we have a strong connection.”

Sean opens his eyes and is met with a soft grin on Finn’s face. “That’s me,” he mumbles, “Always getting obsessed about people I meet.” He inches forward and points at Sean’s chest and fuck, that sure knocked the breath out of Sean.

“Sorry about that,” Finn continues after a moment, his grin a bit subsided and it aches.

“No, I… I think I feel the same,” he replies, and he can’t read Finn’s face  because all the warmth that filled him before, vanished as quickly as it appeared and by the unreadable look on Finn’s face, he felt it, too.

Kissing Finn was nice. But this wasn’t a beginning, it was a goodbye.

Sean let himself be caught up in the moment, forgetting the seriousness of their situation, the last days almost all whipped away from his mind during the kiss and the fact that Daniel is somewhere out there, all alone and without protection. He lets one of his hands fall from Finn’s face, and he inches back, creating enough distance that Sean could see his face openly.

The hand on his hip bone tightened for a moment before Finn let go of his waist.

“So, this is a goodbye, eh? You will be on the road again in a few hours,” he states nonchalant and Sean nods silently. It feels forced, a contrast between the comfortable, sweet moment they’ve shared a few minutes ago.

But Sean can’t force himself to say something. He is half in love with Finn ( _more than in love_ ) but he can’t stay and Finn can’t go with him. They are stuck.

He won’t ask for it ( _please come with me, you make me feel brave and reckless and safe_ ) because Finn needs his group, they are his family, and they need him.

The same way he needs Daniel. (“ _He needs you and you need him_.”)

“I guess, yeah,” he mumbles out, staring at the hand still gripping tightly on Finn’s T-Shirt, and he lays his head forward, pressing his forehead against Finn’s shoulder. He feels him shift but doesn’t pull away. “In a few hours I’ll be gone.”

Sean is tired and scared. It’s this kind of exhaustion that seeps into his bones, pulling him down and it co-exists alongside the constant anxiety and paranoia in his mind. He has no idea where the path in front of him will lead him to, but he will find his brother. He has to.

But he is also in love with a boy with a little scar on the bridge of his nose, the kind of tattoos his dad would have disapproved of and a genuine big heart. He is brave and scared at the same time. So he leans just a bit closer, his face now pressed against Finn’s neck, and he can have this, just for a few hours more.

“Just,” he takes a breath, collecting his thoughts and shyness takes over him, his voice small. “Don’t pull away, not yet.”

**Author's Note:**

> this started as a 1k mess of words because i fell in love with the dynamic of finn and sean. it's so refreshing and sweet, despite the ending dontnod threw at us,,
> 
> english is not my first language and it has been a while since i wrote anything for myself and since i've been actively involved in a fandom and it's still a bit nerve-wrecking to put this out in the open, but lis2 has a special place in my heart and the people in this fandom seem super nice, so that gave me some courage. 
> 
> i saw a lot of comments about daniel's behaviour in the recent episode and how much hate he got for it and while i do get where people are coming from (it was uncomfortable to watch him get angry and frustrated with sean) - i love him a lot and i know (as the younger sibling of an older sister) how similiar i would have reacted in such circumstances and in such a young age.
> 
> also, happy pride month everybody!!
> 
> thanks for reading and i hope you enjoyed it!  
> u can find me on tumblr @dholxv ₍՞◌′ᵕ‵ू◌₎♡


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